There's a new kind of Mars Bar that's coated with gold,
The ocean's been sold to Monsanto,
They're going to pan it to reclaim all the plastic.
The EU are planning to ban ham sandwiches, trams and the Great British Panto.
Two thirds of this stanza is in Esperanto
They've finally told us who murdered Jill Dando...
Nintendo's next console is powered by onions.
The Tower of London's been rendered with pebbledash.
Every hour's been slashed by ten seconds
So never again will we all put our clocks back.
The Nokia 3210 now has WhatsApp.
The Met have announced they've had all the corrupt cops sacked...
Theresa May goes on holiday on Monday
And Peter Andre is taking her place.
Andre says despite the past, he supports Jordan in her war against ISIS.
Kanye West gets a life-size tattoo of Kanye West's face on his face.
Leicester City Football Club relocate to outer space.
People are treated equally no matter what their race...
Food banks are closing due to lack of demand.
Keith Vaz admits that he likes to get high.
None of the fun things in life give you cancer.
In the next hundred years you're not going to die...
Romance is dead.
Punk is dead.
Art is dead.
Poetry is dead.
Resistance is futile.
We cannot win.
You and I will never change the world.
Written by Dan Clark - All rights remain with the author